…and by god, it certainly has been a long fucking time, hasn’t it? Duke Nukem Forever was first announced 13 years ago, and after many years of it being teased and screenshots and stuff, the development team (3D Realms) went down the shitter and it was given to Gearbox and 2K. So, the game is finally released after 13 fucking years and everyone can finally stop making the fucking “Did Not Finish” jokes, which I imagine would be small comfort for Gearbox as the jokes are now more tragic then funny.
Now, just a little bit of disclosure before I get a bunch of comments like “ur a fuking hippocrite mat! u said u luved teh game!”, and I know I will get those kind of comments. It is true that I said I liked DNF shortly after I purchased it, and I did genuinely like the game up to where I had played it. I got to about the first part of the Duke Dome level, for those who have played it, before I stopped for a long time. Then, when I went back to play it for this review, I found it is complete shit.
Now I will tell you why. First, the weapons suck asssssss, and the game has no direction as to what I’m supposed to do a lot of the time. A little fucking direction would be nice, Gearbox. Also, most of the time, you will die quicker than a cat in a microwave and then you have to sit through a fucking long loading screen. Seriously, not even moving companies have this long of loading times.
Now I am just going to quickly go over one of the missions because I feel it had no place in the game. Okay, so the mission sends Duke into a strip club and a girl tells him to go get 3 things for her and she will strip for him. So that’s one of the reasons I don’t fucking like it, because its a fucking fetch quest. The items to be found, however, are somewhat funny as they are a condom, some popcorn, and a dildo. Now the real reason why I think it is stupid is it has nothing to do with the actual game as it is all a dream after Duke gets knocked on his ass after a boss battle.
Really, for me, the two best parts of this game can be summed up pretty quickly. The first being the contents of the collectors edition- and unboxing of which can be found on my personal YouTube channel WorldofTomorrowInc- and the second being when I decided to turn off the game. You know you have a terrible game when…
The one thing that amazes me most about this game is that Duke Nukem is even remotely relevant in this day and age. A man with a scrotum for a brain walks around, slapping tits on walls and treating women like objects (like they should be har har har). At the start of the game you fight a big robot thing that, once you kill it, turns out to be all in a video game that Duke is playing while being sucked off by 2 hot girls. When the aliens actually show up, there is some confusion as to whether they are here to apologize and whether or not its Duke that opens the hostilities. If I didn’t know that this game had taken 13 years to produce, I would have said it was rushed. The graphics look like they are from 10 years ago and the frame rate chugs frequently.
The game also takes very obvious and pointless jabs at other shooters as well. None of these are parodies – usually they are just references, such as pointing out a Spartan helmet from Halo on a shelf and expecting us to laugh. I didn’t even see it until I watched another person play it.
At least the fact that we are still buying this game after 13 years shows that we have the virtue of patience; however, I wish that when 3D Realms went down the shitter that Duke Nukem Forever went with them…and I’m sure Gearbox does as well.
~Matt Tennant, The Opinionator, WorldofTomorrowInc